It’s definitely a plus. They actually bother to read your replies to them and put thought into what they should say back. That makes me happy that they would pay attention and keep the conversation going. No one wants a boring reply back anyways. Go for the long replies guys, us girls love it.

(Source: belovedbetram)

Oh, there was so much to look forward to. And for a while, I geniunely thought the date was going super well. 

Brian was on time, a bit on the skinny side, but the gorgeous West Coast weather had unarmed me a little bit and I was feeling great. I had just gotten an email, informing me that I had been hired on as a swim coach for a masters team, and things were looking increasingly better (in terms of the rest of my life). I gave him a hug hello and the date seemed to take off fantastically from there. Brian offered to pay for the first round of beers, and even though he seemed a little jittery and nervous, cracking several lame jokes, immediately followed by “I’m just joking”, I took it in stride and we had some sparkling conversation for the next hour and a half. 

I suppose I could go on a bit about how I found him pretty attractive; he had beautiful long lashes and gorgeous hazel eyes, and a really attractive full face of dark scruff. Paired with his longish, very SF hair, he fit the ‘dime a dozen’ computer tech mould well. He talked a little bit about wanting to move on from his current career and start teaching, and I could completely see him in a college setting, teaching art history and graphic design. 

By the time we had moved inside from the patio of the bar, I was feeling a lot more comfortable and there was definitely a lot of casual thigh touching and gesticulation. I suppose it all went downhill from there. We left the bar and I wanted to give him a short tour of the city. It was getting on pretty late though (around 9:30pm) and most of the kooky shops around the area were closed, so we ended up walking blocks of residential areas and dorms. It was pretty dark, and there would be stretches of street that really had nothing to catch our interest and spark a conversation. We started to talk about how I was going to push him into the bushes and have my way with him. I was also feeling pretty tipsy from the drinks that we had at the bar, and slightly tired from trying to be sparky and refreshing for 3 hours straight.

Unfortunately, this is the part where the awkward but marginally acceptable rape jokes turned into reality. Brian could not stop himself from pulling me towards him every couple of minutes and kissing me. In the beginning, I was intrigued - sure, there’s no harm in a kiss or two, just to gauge how the date is going and such. He was definitely not a face raper - as exhibited by the seminal episode in Sex and the City where Charlotte’s face gets licked like a ice cream cone on the hottest day of a Texan summer, but neither did he understand the terms “You’re 30” and “don’t be that sex-crazed, hormone addled college freshman”. I was really taken aback at how forward he was, and how he seemed to concentrate so much more on the physical aspects, when he had seemed so intrigued and interested by our conversation. I had a lot of fun finding out that he was from a tiny town in the middle of nowhere Ohio, that he had watched LeBron James’ career from the get go (as in his high school games), and having him sketch out the different areas of the city on his palm. 

By the end of the date (and by that I meant I literally wanted to run away and put on my most unattractive clothes and granny underwear, so that this guy could just stop pushing his awkward boner into my hipbone), I could tell that he knew that this date was going nowhere fast (or slow, ever). I felt incredibly violated, even though I was very vocal about what I wanted from this date and asked him about what he wanted as well. He tried to defend himself by proclaiming that he was “not that sleazy douchebag…” but as Margaret Thatcher once said, a real lady will never state that she is one. He kept trying to indicate that he wanted to go back to my apartment and “make out”, which is never what it sounds like. In the heat of the moment, I was particularly grossed out by his lack of tact. The second I affirmed that there was no way that was going to happen, he immediately let me know that it was a good time for him to leave and to end the date.

So, I guess that didn’t work out like I thought it would.

My confidence hasn’t been that shaken though, I have two wonderful seeming dates lined up for this weekend. To be completely politically incorrect, both men are recent Cal grads and are Asian, so I know that they will at least be well behaved, and/or receptive to when a girl says FUCK NO at the top of her 5”6 frame.

So now I am back, safely, in my little apartment, brushing my teeth (twice) and wondering where the real men are…

So there I was.  Sitting in my family’s living room basically feeling like the pit of my stomach had done somersaults all day long and that nauseating feeling of anxiety had electrified through my bloodstream.  I was tense on the surface and most definitely broken hearted on the inside.  Six months later after my boyfriend had done the unthinkable ( Yes, breaking up with ME, the most beautiful, most glorious woman to ever grace his presence was unthinkable) I was still feeling the hurt and sadness deep within me.  My two wonderful friends, Mike and Layla, decided to start the moving on process with or without me.  ”What about match.com??” My thoughts instantly flashed to Layla’s friend Lauren who spent the entirety of one evening giving us a play-by-play of every man she ever rejected online.  ”His inability to maintain a simultaneous desire for my attention and keep a cool exterior made me feel like I was way out of his league”…. Great. So this woman clearly gets off by exploiting these poor guys who are willing to put themselves out there and meet people.  But “soooo many people were messaging her”. Right.  So you have so many men, you can’t possibly keep track of how many you decide to actually message back. This was going down hill.  My love life was over.  People weren’t supposed to have to resort to online dating.

Why was that though?  I’ve put a lot of thought in to this.  Here I am, a 22 year old girl, freshly graduated from college, decent looks, definitely not obese, smart as a whip, employed, athletic, funny and humane.  Based on my qualifications it seems like I am surely not supposed to spend my life alone.  But since I did go to a giant frat party for a college, meeting the man of my dreams there seemed highly doubtful.  There was a minimal underground relationship culture that existed.  Mostly it was the “I don’t want anything serious, just having fun, get naked have lots of sex and then get super awkward about any real feelings that ‘happened’ to have appeared out of no where” types of relationships.  So college was out.  Now I’ve relocated and all my friends are off starting their amazing careers at being intellectually fabulous and I’m by myself.  So I started doing research on how people met each other back in the old days. I asked my mom.  Don’t let that woman fool you.  She definitely has a past dating life (she would hardly admit to it though).  She basically was very vague.  ”Oh, you know, people met at the bar or work or friends of friends”. Thanks mom.  Upon further investigation, though, those three places seem to make sense (for their time period).  So I orchestrated a brief analysis of each of these places.

Bar Scene:  Proceed with Caution:  So you walk in to a bar and usually the thing is noisy, crowded, and the booze is flowing.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy bars.  There is nothing like unwinding after a crazy day at work with an awesome brew in hand (none of the light stuff, I want a real beer).  Cue Anorexic girl gasp.  Anyway, there are several reasons why a bar is not necessarily a good place to find the love of your life (although it can and may happen).  The first being everyone is with their friends.  Nobody’s full attention is on the other.  If you (being the guy) meet a girl and then her entire pack of giggling, bleached hair, biddies are anxiously hanging on your every word, the privacy is gone.  In addition to having to win the girl over, you have to win over her friends too. Also, a bar is very loud.  This makes for minimal quality conversations that could actually pave a solid foundation for a relationship.  Last, but definitely not least, everyone is inebriated.  Although we all enjoy that drunken “heart-to-heart” with the most “amazing guy” we’ve ever met (flash to an image of drunk sleeping beauty fawning over fred flinstone), who are we kidding? Rarely do those guys ever seem to be the boyfriend type.  

Work:  Proceed with more caution.  This one is not really applicable to me.  Others, however, may have more of a chance at finding love at their office.  I work with all women.  Still, I would have to say that managing office relationships can be tricky.  Similar to dodging grenades in your typical war scenario.  Office gossip can make or break you.  Prepare to be judged by all office staff ever.  Just the nature of the beast I suppose. 

Friends of Friends: Disaster waiting to happen…  So if by the stroke of fate, your loving, dearest most “best” friend in the whole wide world decides to set you up with the most “adorable” guy friend of hers, walk away slowly.  Actually sprint far, far a way.  Here’s why this friends of friends (blind date) never really works out.  Sit in a cool, contemplative space and think about this:  If this guy is so great, why isn’t your friend dating him? “Oh, I just don’t think of him in that way”, “I consider him my brother” or “He’s really a good time”.  This is code for he’s probably not that desirable for some piece of information that your BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD is with holding from you.  So of course, to be polite, you go on the date and then the realization sets in.  He’s actually self-absorbed, he can’t maintain a conversation, he’s a tool, he’s a player and the list goes on and on.  If your bestest friend wouldn’t date him, you probably are better off not dating him either.  Also, in my circumstance most of my friends are off traveling the world.  So I am isolated and no one can introduce me to their really great guy who’s not great enough for them. Again, there are no absolutes to these circumstances.  My parents met through friends and they’ve been happily married for 27..er 28 ? years.  

So flashback to my own dating journey.  What options does that leave someone like me?  I suppose I could creep on all hot guys in my gym, but again that seems slightly desperate and let’s face it, down right creepy.  So after much hesitation I decided to write my dating profile.  I thought it best to be quirky, intelligent, fun and present myself in a whole different way.  Maybe it was the way I saw myself or perhaps how I wanted others to see me.  But like ripping off a band aid quickly I did it and I was officially a part of a dating website.  How do I break the news of this to my friends? I would be humiliated, ridiculed for centuries, never live this sad moment of my life down…However, I realized that as I explained to most of my friends what the “online” dating experience was like it was met with hesitation, awkward stares, and disbelief.  Yet, there are definite ups and downs to internet dating and I think its important for women to accept the upsides to “resorting” to online dating.

1.  It’s efficient! You can gauge probably in 10 seconds whether or not the person in front of your computer screen is someone you want to get to know.

2.  You don’t have to meet everyone! If you decide a conversation is going no where you have the option of no longer continuing it!  What freedom! No awkward drawn out bar scenarios where getting information out of a guy is like performing a root canal (painful for everyone involved).  Just simply stop replying. 

3.  You are exposed to a wide array of people.  I’ve only had two real relationships in my life.  I need variety to see what is out there in the dating world.  Experimentation with different personality types will absolutely help me in the long run as well as other girls like me who haven’t dated everyone and their brother. 

4.  It’s proactive.  Putting yourself out there can be scary and downright intimidating, but once you get over the fact that it’s the internet and it is the 21st century you can actually open yourself up to meeting some quality people.  

5.  The worst thing that can happen is that you have a hilarious story.  The best thing that can happen is that you meet your soul mate.  Cost/Benefit analysis works in our favor here!  

So here I am today-redefining the reputation of the girls who resort to “internet dating”.  I’m smart, sexy, intelligent and capable of being 1/2 of a really rewarding relationship.  Yes, I use the internet, but that doesn’t make me pathetic, sad, desperate, or a “fat chick”.  I’m just being open and honest about the fact that I would some day like to be in a relationship.  Hopefully I meet a few awesome people along the way.  Hey, I even converted Jane to give it a try and trust me, if she can be convinced, you can too. 

Sincerely,

Samantha

This is my first week of using an online dating and connection making website. Out of consideration for all those mentioned here, the stories told by the curators of this blog, and in keeping with our mentality towards people who actually use online dating sites, there will be no specific names mentioned, including the brand of the dating website(s).

That being said, this story is about my very own introduction to adult dating. A bit of background about me (from here on out, I will be posting as Jane - Doe, naturally). I am 22/Female/Straight/Asian, as shown on my informative profile. I recently graduated from college, and relocated to the Bay Area for my job. Having been here for about two weeks, I decided that the best way to meet people (and of course, look for luuuurve) was to sign up on one of these dating websites. After having heard some success stories from my best friend (who went to college with me, and is now back in the Bay Area as well) I decided it was time to venture out on my own.

There were a couple of awkward messages and accidental winks and profile ratings, but I finally received a message from Brian, a 30 year old design professional who picked up on my love of a certain recently deceased author and the up and coming Christopher Nolan film. Our messaging was frequent (a respectable one reply per day); we talked about my marathon training, best places in the bay area to get good food and drink, Pride weekend, and how that recently deceased author died (he killed himself). 

On Saturday, feeling hungover as shit after gorging myself on bottomless mimosas at a brunch place in the Castro, he asked me out for drinks, and was even willing to come all the way out to the East Bay from where he was in the city. After pretending not to be excited while lounging in my pajamas and reading crazy confusing short stories from that one lit course I took as a credit filler, I received a text saying that he was stuck in the city, since the gay people had taken over MUNI and stymied all efforts by the San Francisco Transit Authority to move people in and out of the city. 

For some reason, I’m a huge fan of correct texting grammar and diction, and Brian hit the bull’s eye. He was humorous, brief, and totally in keeping with the customs of our time. Even though he is somewhat older than me (by about 8 years), I didn’t feel an age gap, even when I chastised him in ‘standing me up’ in our follow up date arrangements. He offered (again) to come out to the East Bay, to meet me somewhere a stone’s throw from where I stayed (not that I am planning to take him back to my cheap sublet, where I am living on a fold up twin bed smaller than the one in my freshman dorm). 

So we’ll see where this takes us. We’re down to get a drink tomorrow night. I really hope it turns into something more (like dinner snacks).

- Jane